I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat

I was pregnant, two ultrasounds with a confirmed heartbeat and everything looked great. I was SICK and had hyperemesis. I wouldn’t even get relief when I was sleeping. Medication wouldn’t even fully help all the time. I got to my second trimester and had a few days where I was okay. I had pushed my next ultrasound because I was so sick and ended up having it a few weeks later. May, 20th was one of the hardest days of my entire life. After everything that I’d been going through physically, they tell us our baby girl, Ivy, no longer had a heartbeat. Remembering that moment still sends panic through my whole body like the moment I found out. Despite how awful that was and leaving the appointment with both of us bawling, we felt the most overwhelming level of peace almost immediately. God had us and we both knew it and felt it.

I was seeking answers and the doctor found that my placenta looked enlarged. They wanted to test it for molar tissue. Sure enough, I ended up with a very rare complication where despite there being a baby (unlike a full molar pregnancy) the placenta had tumors due to too much genetic material. It isn’t genetic and it can’t be prevented or fixed. I thought that they’d do a D&C, make sure no molar tissue was left, and I’d be able to physically heal. They’d done a lot of blood tests on me since this is my second miscarriage. They found that it isn’t a fertility issue (praise God) and it was just two unfortunate and unrelated circumstances. Despite the awful situation we were in, we got information that was positive for the future and just held on to that.

I went in for bloodwork to make sure my HCG levels were at zero to indicate that there was no retained molar tissue. Well, there was retained molar tissue. I had to get a low dose chemo injection which then gave me almost every bad symptom for a little over a month. I felt like I woke up hungover every day. Still, almost 3 months later, my HCG still hasn’t hit zero. It’s close and I’m in a safe spot now to where it’s no longer a huge concern, but multiple blood tests a month are still needed. The day it hits zero will be such a weight lifted.

I’m sharing this because, had I not opted for the close monitoring and placenta testing, I’d more than likely have cancer. The molar tissue spreads fast and if left untreated it can spread all over your body as a rare form of cancer. It also could have gone under the radar and could have resulted in another pregnancy while having cancer. Ladies, be proactive in the event of loss to ask questions. Seek answers and ensure you’re monitored accordingly.

My other reason for sharing is to share the good news of Jesus. Why do bad things happen? We live in a broken world. There’s no getting around that, unfortunately. I didn’t know why this happened, but from the very moment that we found out, I felt purpose behind it. I wasn’t mad. I was heartbroken, but I wasn’t mad or hopeless. I instantly felt a peace that made no sense. You hear about God doing that, but I’d never experienced it to that level. “God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭28‬

The Bible doesn’t promise us an easy life. It actually says the opposite, but it does promise us peace and things being worked for our good. There are things happening in our lives right now that wouldn’t have happened had our year not taken this turn. The best thing that has happened thus far is the amount of growth in our faith that we’ve experienced. I feel God’s presence and peace daily. I feel His purpose on my life more than I ever have. If you’ve never experienced it, it’s easy to dismiss Jesus as a religious thing that isn’t of value to you. I get that, I’ve been there. It isn’t until you truly experience a relationship with Jesus for yourself that you finally understand what the draw is. Jesus is how you get to heaven, but also His Spirit is with us on this earth. It’s an amazing gift that I truly don’t even have the words to describe, but it’s something that is truly life changing. The amount of truly miraculous things that have happened to us over the last few months only leave one possible explanation because it definitely hasn’t been anything we have done. If you’re going through it, seek Jesus. If you’re not going through it, you probably will one day and it’s a lot lighter of a burden when you don’t have to pull that weight yourself. I’m watching daily how God is redeeming this whole situation in the most beautiful way. It is something our family will carry with us forever, but we get to also share the story forever of what God did for us in the midst of heartbreak. This has all just been on my heart to share and I hope it helps someone. Give yourself grace in your healing. Seek God’s peace and grace daily. He will restore it.❤️